in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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