The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm just crazy horny about you
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
