Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
