Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
