Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize