For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
How's work?
Spinning.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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