Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize