just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
