i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
