As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
