he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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