I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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