I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
