I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
