Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
