so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
