I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
