sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
