Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
