y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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