Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Someone came in the potted fern
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
