Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
