Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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