I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
