Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
