***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
