Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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