Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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