You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
