I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
