Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
