Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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