so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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