I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
