Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize