I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
