I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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