the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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