i just had sex bonerless
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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