Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
