Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
