So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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