someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We had to coat check the pizza.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
