I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
