I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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