i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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