Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
