apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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