i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
