Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
