well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
