I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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