I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
