I feel like abortions should bother me more
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Randomize
