Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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