I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
