It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
