I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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