I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
