I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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