that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
