i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
