he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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